As regular readers know, I do song parodies from time to time. I've been moved to song a few times by the Blakely/Booker line of cases. To catch up, here's "Take a Walk on the Blakely Side," "Desperado," and my favorite, "'Twas the Night Before Booker." I've been a little lax, but with next week's big arguments in Rita and Claiborne coming up (see Prof. Berman for mucho info), the muse visited me again.

Of course, the obvious song for these cases is the Beatles' sprightly "Lovely Rita." It was tricky because it's such a spare little song with an odd meter that there's not much room to work with. (By comparison, "The Ballad of Mike Price, part 1 and part 2" were a piece of cake.) Still, it was kind of impossible to avoid the only pop song I know with "Rita" in the title, and plus it has that line about "a military man," when Rita's military service is an issue in his case. It's destiny. Anyway,

Victor Rita, Claiborne's Mate

Victor Rita, Claiborne's mate,
Reasonable minds can differ
Whether your sentence should be light
Or whether it should be stiffer.

Claiborne's judge must be a reader,
'Cause in a move out of tragic theater
He gave a lower sentence in an Eighth Circuit court.
Rita's thought he'd be a cheater
If he made the sentence sweeter,
He didn't vary downward for a military man.

Claiborne/Rita, they presumed
Your sentences were the right ones,
Will the Court now choose to make them undone?
Wrote the brief, it's such a winner,
And your lawyer is no beginner,
Gonna get you home before the end of the year.
Scalia, Thomas are both on your side,
With Johnny Roberts, it'll be a landslide,
Tony, Steve, and Sam can only sit there and sneer.

Oh, Victor Rita, I presume
Claiborne and you will win there.
I only hope that what they write
Will warrant all the fanfare!

And, as a bonus, to the tune of "Easy (Like Sunday Morning)" by Lionel Richie and the Commodores, I imagine a Justice in the Blakely/Cunningham majority eager to go the next step with Rita and Claiborne. Feel free to imagine which Justice I'm thinking of, and to debate whether the outcome of these new cases really is dictated by the precedents (i.e., whether it's easy).

Easy Like Rita/Claiborne

Know it sounds funny but I just can't stand the wait,
Wish the hearing was tomorrow.
Gonna prove I can vote for a prison inmate,
Those who doubted me will feel sorrow.
That's why I'm easy, I'm easy like Rita/Claiborne.
That's why I'm easy, easy like Rita/Claiborne.

Why in the world would the lower courts disagree?
I thought I'd floored 'em all with my genius.
Cunningham shoulda warned 'em they were getting it wrong,
It's like they're trying hard to demean us.
Yeah, that's why I'm easy, I'm easy like Rita/Claiborne.
That's why I'm easy, easy like Rita/Claiborne.

It's gonna be fun, so fun,
It's gonna be fun to tell 'em all
How much I'm right.
I'll write with such glee...you'll see.

That's why I'm easy, I'm easy like Rita/Claiborne.
That's why I'm easy, easy like Rita/Claiborne.
Because I'm easy, I'm easy like Rita/Claiborne.
Because I'm easy, easy like Rita/Claiborne.

1. A clarification re: the astronut. Obviously, the diaper thing has been the memorable detail. But I've heard comedian after comedian make a joke about how Lisa Nowak drove 900 miles wearing diapers (implying she wore one diaper the whole way), but noting that she must have stopped for gas at least once along the trip. Well, duh. According to the police affidavit (via Slate), Nowak stopped at a hotel along the way from Houston to Orlando. So, I imagine she wore the diapers for the driving portion of the trip, and probably took them off during stops.

Also, weirdly, Nowak paid cash on her trip, presumably to avoid a "paper trail," but then saved the receipts. They were found in her car! Why pay cash if you're going to keep the receipts? What, is she going to write the expenses off on her taxes?

2. Speaking of Slate, ever since their latest redesign, I've been peeved by their use of the multi-page format for many stories. (An example; scroll to bottom.) I understand: it's all about ad revenue. But, the "jump" doesn't seem to have any correlation with the length of the story. If I'm going to click to a second page, I want it to be worth it. I don't want to get a measly paragraph or two for my trouble. It's ridiculous to act as if you couldn't cram that onto the front page of the story. So, I often skip the second page just out of spite. Sometimes, I use the "view as single page" option, which is a nice touch. But I have two minor problems with that feature. First, I have to scroll all the way down to the end of the text to find that option. I might as well read my way down. They should make that option available at the top of the page, before I begin reading. That would tip me off it's a longish story, and would allow me to avoid the second irk. That is, if I do scroll down and click on "view as single page," the page I see starts in media res, at the point of the jump. So I have to scroll all the way back up to the top to start reading the story. Arg! That makes no sense. Either use a popout if you have to (like Volokh does sometimes, although not ideal for these purposes), or give me the option of seeing the story on a single page at the top, before I wear out the scroll button on my mouse. Here endeth the rant.

3. This is a sad story, but I predict it will get even sadder. A Duke student reported over the weekend that she was raped at an off-campus party. It's not known whether the suspect is a Duke student as well. While this case should be evaluated on its own merits, I have no doubt it will get tied into the ongoing Duke lacrosse mess. I'm sure there will be lots of second-guessing no matter how Durham D.A. Mike Nifong handles the case, and his track record indicates that such skepticism is well-founded. Let's hope justice prevails here as well.

4. Speaking of justice and how it gets denied sometimes, The Economist has an interesting story about the Japanese judicial system. Some 95% of people arrested confess to the charges, and cases end in convictions 99.99% of the time. "Prosecutors are ashamed of being involved in an acquittal and fear that losing a case will destroy their careers. Judges get promotion for the speed with which they process their case-loads." Critics say that many confessions are obtained via coercive tactics. I don't expect the Supreme Court to cite this example of international law in its next Miranda decision.

5. Finally, sigh.